Fort Smith Arkansas Brazilian Wax Salons [JE Fandom] Shoot the Shaggy Dog

Title: Shoot the Shaggy Dog

Fandom: Johnny's Entertainment (Ikuta Toma, cameos by Arashi, KAT-TUN, V6, TOKIO and KinKi Kids. And matchy.)

Wordcount: 4393

Genre: supernatural! AU, light angst, gen

Summary: Takes Specialized is a free agent in supernatural phenomena Who has just got a new assignment - to Investigate why and how Arashi, the well-known 'archaeologists', ended up stranded in the Himalayas with KAT-TUN, notable demon hunters. But is he ready for the truth?

Warnings: Mentions of Mental Illness.

Author's Notes: Thanks to lastingdreams8 for the beta!. Contains references to everything under the sun, Mainly to the Lovecraft's Cthulhu Mythos and Doctor Who. There Are some lines taken from a Discworld novel. This fic

Was Written as a gift for bubbly, for the je_justfriends exchange.


drank
Takes Another Cup of Coffee. It Was the Twentieth and it taste of old cabbages and feet-to taste perfectly well and takes Knew It Was Better if you just Did not ask about it, thank you very much. The stakeout WAS as boring as one time That Took Junehim to the Swedish Fishermen's Association Film Festival and They ended up watching movies about Swedish Fishermen for five hours. June CLAIMED I Had Gained new insight in the plight of men and the commonalities unite us all That, Take That Could Claim only the sight of fish made him sick for months Afterwards.

Another idol magazine I Grabbed from the passenger's seat and Another raspberry muffin. It Tastes Better Than the coffee - or at least remind him of it Did That damn mission in the tiny little town. Tiny little towns and sucked Were Often more than not infiltrate by Either evil cults fish That eldritch abominations worshiper from evil aliens or Beyond Time That wanted to eat everybody's pancreas. Or Were just Populated by old people, Who Turned out tor be evil or mind-controlled or figments of your imagination at the end. And Sometimes you Were the alien - or the evil cultist fish or the tomato - on the mirror and that's when to Take drew the line. He Was not alien. I Was Just One Of The Most renowned paranormal agents in the world - well, renowned as shady as a no-Government-would-admit-he-exists' Could get free agent. His

Extremely advanced communication device - or 'phone', for the uninitiated - rang.

'Hi? "

'Go back to your office Immediately. Have we found Arashi. "

'Wait. They Were lost? " Uchi

Laughed nervously. "Sorta." ***

liked

Takes His office. IWAS t big enough for one person and it Had windows events. The morning sun shone brightly and made historical That plants grow healthy and strong. It Had to quality That Made His cheery way less depressing job.

I Opened the door and groaned. His desk WAS full of boxes and files. It Looked Like A Complicated case, One of Those That Either make it or break it. Some boxes Had big, bold letters read That 'Innsmouth' and Were An Extremely strange city about people WHERE Worshipper Turned Into Some frogs and undersea monsters. Others Were

about Dunwich, Another creepy town That Had Been Destroyed by 'a giant spaghetti monster. " Take snorted. This Was Worse Than working with the FBI dude obsessed with aliens.

I Had not Heard of historical events employerc.

*** On the Other Hand, The Fact That It Is Involved Arashi His job made a piece of cake. I Knew Where to start. His best friend in June WAS They trusted and Each Other. Something meant to trust And in a world as cutthroat as theirs. Jun's back I Had Had June and his, so it WAS just a matter of Asking, writing the report and Inviting Then in June to dinner with the money.

I Drove to Jun's apartment. It Was a really fancy apartment for Someone Who Pretend To Be A linguist broke Who Specialized in ancient - read: dead and / or supposedly nonexistent - languages. His frequent-'holidays' Probably Paid for it.

Several Times Before He knocked June Open the Door, Took a glance at him, and closed it again. 'Oh, do not be a kid! " Take Yellen.

Peaked Jun's head out the window. 'You're here on official business. I'm not talking. " Take

WAS surprised. Usually, after a complex case or a really good heist, Jun Called Him first. "Why?"

'Do you even know who's paying you? "

'No. I never know That. Unlikable you, I Lack a rich daddy Who Pays for Expenses. "

'We Have More Than Reimbursable Sakurai's father's investment. "

'Yeah, Because You're Stealy Who stealers steal. Every bona fide archeologist in the world Wants Your Ass. "

His eyes rolled in June. 'Look. We can not talk, we made a promise. Sorry. "

A promise? After All These Years, theddenly, Jun Those Honored? Remembered takes the scar That Went back across historical. That point A Few years ago. Countless Countless sleepless nights and break-ins. 'Just one question. You owe me. " Apparently
June
Those Remembered as well. "I'll just say two things - it's not the first time we run into destructive Those assholes ... and last time saltshakers There Were Involved." At least it

sounder interesting.


*** Why did His job
So Many seedy Establishments Involve? Why Were not These People respectable for a change? There Was a reason I always sat with historical Towards the back wall and Those Guys personified it. I parked
historical
Enter the car and used cars' dealership. The parking lot full of WAS orld cars and Older People. I Waved to Mabo, Who Was Some sweet-talking lady, and Nagase, Who Was talking to Some Who Was weird green guy dressed as an old-fashioned lounge singer. I Thought Were
demons supposed to hide, damn it. Next thing you know, vampires will want to come out of the coffin.


He Went Straight Into the office and found Joushima snoring loudly. The desk WAS filled with half-eaten sandwiches and Diet Coke, plus a teddy bear and a fuchsia jacket with polka dots. Take

Shrugged and jump up to the file drawer. I started going-through the files. The stains Were suspicious - Was That blood, coffee or what? - But the worst part That They Completely WAS lacken Any semblance of a sensible system.

"Ew."

'Hey, it's not our fault. " Instantly I

Recognized the voice. 'Hello, Taichi-san. " Taichi sat on the desk. Kept making rummaging-through the files.

'Take-kun. It's Been a Long Time. "

'I'm sorry. I've been busy. "

'Oh, Do not apologize. We know you younglings Do not Have time for your uncles forgotten poor. Unless you Need information. " Take

smirk. At least you knew Where You Stood with Those Guys. 'Yep. Exactly. What can you tell me about ...? " Taichi
WAS
historical polishing shirt's buttons. 'I have a new car. Well, Almost new at least. A modified DeLorean .... "

Most of the time, at least. 'I'm not BUYING it. ICan Give You the money directly. "

'Why? We are really honest here. I swear. "

'The last car you sold me
WAS
cursed. It tried to kill me. Twice. "

'Oh. We Should Have Told you you it consideration. "

'And I Took it to a mechanic. You mean I Should Have taken it to an exorcist? "

'No, You Should Have taken it to Our associated workshop, idiot. "

'You should've told me That, But you did not. So at least I Deserve the information. For free

. " Taichi wince at the word 'free'. 'Okay, okay. But only if you tell your friends about us. "

'Well, If Any of Them ever cursed car Needs to ...'

Taichi laughed. 'Come on, tell me what you're working on. " Take

finally stopped looking at the files and turn back to stare at Taichi. '¨ KAT-TUN. What do you know about Them? And When They Have Worked with Arashi? "

'KAT-TUN? The Files are under Joshima There's jacket on the desk. And about the Arashi thing ... Leaving aside the fact-That your friends Have Some odd delusion of grandeur Things going on - really, that's a stupid name - You Should Talk to Our mechanics. The guys Were Involved, I think. Something about giant saltshakers from Another Dimension. " I started going-through pockets and Then Gave historical Take business card. 'That's the place. " Nodder Takes And Then Turned His Attention Towards the table. I Took the files Carefully, But Did Joushima move events. 'Well, thanks for your help. "

'Hey, Are not You Interested in a classic car? " Taichi asked. Take

ran out of There. ***



He Was Once Safely back in His car, I Opened the files.

They Were done in the sloppiest handwriting takes Had ever seen - and I Used to work with Yamapi, sloppy handwriting so I Knew - But I Could Understand Them, for Some Reason. Maybe translator microbes Those Were still working.


KAT-TUN:

Have Been Around for Some Time. Young and reckless. Like fur coats. Did we say they're reckless? Some

Owe us TONS of money. Mostly

Deal with demons and the like. Like to find ancient Talismans. The members

Are Apparently Kamenashi Kazuya - an unbearable kid, But Really Cute When drunk, Apparently he's the scholar of the team - Akanishi Jin - pure charisma, can get Into anybody's pants, Leader ask about that! - Koki Tanaka - Smarter Than I looks, martial arts expert, son of a Shinto priest - Taguchi Junnosuke - Can not Be as stupid as I have looks, dumb muscle, says I Used To Be part of the circus - Ueda Tatsuya - Tends to get dressed as a girl for Some Reason - and finally
maru Naka mura
Yuichi - accountant -. They Said
met at college, pero Highly doubtful. Maybe They Met

near a college. Ragtag of misfits. That way we like them. Remind us of a herd of cats. Take


sighed. As informative as expected. And There Were not Even photographs.
*** Threw out the
Takes Pamphlets Had Given the green guy him - something about karaoke and souls - and stepped out of the car. The
WAS empty street and nobody There Was To Be Seen. A Shinto temple Stood in front of a tiny workshop. It Was peaceful, pero Takes Knew It Was Probably infested by ghosts. The workshop WAS
even more suspiciously normal. There WAS no bell, so I just Clapp.
A meat guy out, cleaning the grease on His pants. 'Looking for somebody, kid? "

'Eh. Sakamoto-san is here? " The guy

Nodder. 'He's inside workingSome damned with Impala. Yanks Are always so careless ... "

'Is it going to take very long?"

'Hm. Yes, Probably. Did you Need anything special

? "

'Not today. I Just Need information. Taichi sat me. " The guy Looked

sad, pero hopeful. "We just finished a new batch of anti-werewolves really cool Weapons. Do you want to see Them? "

'No, thank you ... I Just Need to talk to Sakamoto. "

'He's busy. Just ask me. I'm Nagano, by the way. "

'Eh. What do you know about giant salt-shakers, Arashi and KAT-TUN? " Nagano His eyes rolled. 'Never again, that's all I know. Those dudes Are stupid. When you find something in soweird me ruins in the jungle and it looks alien ... '

' ... leave it there, Even if it's shiny. Yeah, I know. Wait. Nakai-san Did That teach you as well? " Went Nagano

pale. 'I

That Taught him. The brat has Claim the advice, when to the One Who can not stay away from bright Things've Always Been him? " Take

WAS surprised. Very FEW people Were Older Than SMAP. Very FEW people That Could survive long in Their business. 'You're Older Than Them? But I've Never Heard Of You ... '

' My Life Has Been Complicated, 'He Said icily. "Pertaining to your question, yes, eleven Tanaka and Aiba meat here Asking for Weapons That Could Kill Heavily armored aliens."

'Oh. They Were So working together? Interesting. " Nagano

His head shook. 'No, They Were not. Matsumoto Eichmann up Later, looking ready to kill somebody ... well, I always looks Like That, But my point WAS That They Were at the verge of killing Each Other. "

That Sound more like it. Were Collaborations rare, Mostly Because It Was Hard enough to make the members of Each group Agree with Each Other, There Was A Reason Takes Work Alone. So, When It Came to negotiate entre groups ... well, it Was Easier to just punch in the face Them. 'I see. Thanks for your help. "

He Turned His back to Nagano. 'But what about the Weapons? They're cool! I swear! "

'Maybe next time,' Take yelle Before Getting Into His Car. CHT***
MLXC

Takes Had run out of leads, so all that's left WAS WAS to bluff, bluff to the max. He Was Almost out of gas and historical Expenses cut a lot Had Been Since That case regarding Beyond vampire fish from space, so I parked it and Simply jump up to Sakurai's apartment on foot.

He Was about to ring the doorbell When Somebody stepped out in a rage. Sakurai meat after the guy and Then Simply stopped cold. 'Toma-kun? " Pointed Takes

huffing to the silhouette That Was Getting Into the elevator. 'That Was Oguri? " Sakurai blushed. 'Eh, forget I asked. Look, tell me what Happened in Tibet. " Sakurai

leaner Against the doorframe. 'Nothing Happened. Are we clear? " Take

got closer to Sakurai's face. 'Okay, guys, why the secrecy? I mean, I Could not find much on your previous married with KAT-TUN. Why? What's the Deal with Those Guys? " Sakurai

retreat Into His House. 'Stop digging, will you? What Happened in Antarctica ... I mean, Tibet is none of your business. " Take

Was Confused. This Was getting even more stupid. 'I will not stop. I want to know. I want the truth. " Why Were They

so intent in Keeping him out of the loop? Even in June! What Could Be so terrible? I always Knew Arashi Talk About Their 'special bond' and Their loyalty to Each Other, But Could I get a little bit of it too? Sakurai

put His Hand on the door. 'You want to believe as well? Look, I like you. I do not know who's paying you to find out, But really, it's better if nobody knows. " Then Takes

got a face full of door. ***



I decided to ditch historical car. Could I pick it up later.

'Only one place left to go,' he muttered. Rumour had it

KinKi's That Was a nice place, if you Avoid the drunken Brawls. Since Everybody Was always drunk and it Was a hang-out for time travelers, bounty hunters and the general alien Population, the best hope for Could you WAS to leave in one piece. Take

Immediately Open the door and ducked. It importations to Be a smart move, Because Then a bottle flew him and smashed straight Towards Against the right wall Above His Head. I Waved at Erika, pero Apparently she Thought the bottI Was Enough of a greeting.

He Went past her and her jolly bunch - three girls That Look cute in matching outfits and Were talking about Something Called 'Operation Chocolate Disco' and one robot. Domoto I spotted the 'brothers' talking to a blond dude in a fur coat and a scary-looking ninja. A cute girl with a really weird bunny Stood next to Them.

"Hey!" Take Yellen. Ignored him Tsuyoshi, Koichi But apologize to the Others and Approaches: a him.

'Toma-kun! Let's make this short, Because Those Guys Have Urgent business really friends and really empowering. " I Pointed at the weird trio and takes Nodder. They did look ... in a hurry. "So, Basically, we do not know What Happened, But They Might know, 'Koichi Said, pushing him towards a new table. Take

Gasper. KAT-TUN WAS there, drinking beer and looking menacing ... or at least Trying to. It Was Hard to do with six Barbarians at The Other sitting nearby table, and You Were just five young-looking skinny guys. Koichi
pushed him
Towards Them. 'This is my friend. Treat him kindly, 'I Said and left him there, Being stared at.


Friend. Right
one time I Remembered That I Had Spent three days stranded in a little island with only a devilish Inglés thief - who insists in groping him - Just Because the company as Domoto Had taken off with the yacht. I Had Never Been So Relieved to see a NATO agent show up. Even if the agent NATO Was a really pissed-off German dude.

'Hi. I'M Here. I work for an Interested party - University of Miskatonic or Something Like That - and I need to know, '

One of the guys Stood Up. 'We're not talking and They Can Go rot in hell. " The other four

Nodder.

'Look. I do not care. I just Need to know why you ended up in the Himalayas with Arashi. That's all. "

They all started to leave. One of Them - wearing argyle, Which Was the print badass least on Earth - Grabbed him by the arm. 'Stop now. What we saw ... It Can not Be unseen. " Take
breathe in sharply. 'Wait. Were not you six? "
The guy let go of His arm. 'Yes, we were. Yet another reason to stop now, 'I Said Before historical Following mates.
Take
historical rubbed sore arm and Stood in the middle of the Greatest drunken brawl of the century. Business as usual at KinKi's, But Not at Toma's. ***



Takes Hated duck ponds, ducks Because He Was Were sure evil - and I HAD seen one human turn eleven! - But Were The Most duck ponds inconspicuous place I Could think of. I Could Easily Different spot at least three spies and two guys I wasn't sure That Were human. I sat on one of the benches and wait.

A few Minutes Later, a guy with a fake mustache and a trench coat sat next to him.

'To the axeman, all supplicants Are the Same height,' he said.

'Tsubasa, I know it's you. You know it's me. Cut the crap. " Tsubasa

His head shook frantically. 'To the axeman, all supplicants Are the Same height. " Take

sighed. After historical fall out with Takki, Tsubasa WAS Simply Not the Same. Take That hoped he'd never get paranoid. Had I seen historical share of betrayal, But I Had Some really good friends. I Remembered Jun's attitude. 'Yet verily, the rose is the thorn Within, OK? " I growled.

'The caged whale knows nothing of the mighty deeps,' replied Tsubasa.

historical Did he get passwords out of a fantasy novel? If so, a very silly one, to be honest. 'And the ill-built tower trembles mightily at a butterfly's passage, yeah, yeah. Now That We're Done, I need answers now. There's one member of KAT-TUN missing. Where is he? " Tsubasa wa

tched the ducks swim, Avoiding Toma's gaze. 'I can not tell you Who told me this, but ... I've gone off the deep end. Talks about starfish and giant jelly blobs from outer space. And about New England. He talks a lot about going to New England. " Dangerous

That Sound. And intriguing. One Of His clients - a weird guy with an Even weirder name, something like 'John John' or 'Paul Paul' - That Had Once Told him nothing is Worse Than Uncertainty, Until you find out the truth. And Then You can not forget. Like reading the Necronomicon

, Had the guy said. Could Takes only hope it wasn't true. But

Who Had Told Tsubasa? Arashi? 'And where is I now? " Tsubasa

fidget on the bench. 'Hm. I Might Be at an oldacquaintance's place. "

Takes His eyes rolled. I Should Have Known. 'Takki's? " Tsubasa

Stood up and stared at him. 'Do not say it! They can not find out! " Take

wanted to laugh, But the look on Tsubasa's eyes stopped him. Had I never found out who work for Takki and Tsubasa, But Were They sure as hell Some scary bastards. As I saw
Tsubasa, getting lost in the crowds, Exactly What I Had Wonderer Between Them Eat. They Were inseparable eleven ... But Things Change, Did not They? ***
Antarctica

So, crazy people, and people telling him to stop digging. Take gulped. This sound bad. I Had Heard Rumours about the snowy continent. About What Had been there. About What Was CThere still HTMLXC
.

I still felt I WAS Something missing, though.

He Went To find historical car. It cost him a fortune in bus fares, pero at least historical car and I HAD WAS safe enough gas to drive back to Jun's place.

I rang the doorbell and let him in June this time. 'Hi, Jun.'

There Was a half-done crossword on the coffee table and an empty tea cup. A dirty

tea cup. Out of character for Jun.

'Hi, Here. " 'So ... I know this is big. I know you only ended up in the Himalayas by chance - maybe an old closet door? Like That Time in Florida? With the weird chameleogator? But ... if you want me to lie, I want the truth. I Deserve

the truth. "

'You can not handle the truth, "June Said with way too much sadness in His voice.

'At least a bit of it. Do you trust me? " His voice faltered.
Keep it together, you idiot. Grabbed June
And Then Takes His coat's. 'You want the truth? I'll show you the truth. Let's go. But do not say I did not warn you. " ***



They left the city behind soon enough And Then It Was the glory of the countryside at night. Could I imagine the summer cicadas' melody and the fresh grass. Could I take a holiday, Could I? Maybe in June and Shun invite along - Yamapi events. Them I Had not seen in ages. Did June speak at all DURING the first hour. I hummed and occasionBurst Into ally bitter laughter, But Used To Take WAS Jun's erratic Behavior When stressed out. After

an hour or so of silence, Jun finally spoke. 'The first time we ran Into Them WAS two years ago. We Were in this tiny town, Quaramonte City, and somehow, we ran Into a group of Japanese Tourists. We hit if off. We Thought They Were college students, But They Turned Out to Be the Same thing behind we were. " Take

Nodder. 'So you guys are rivals? " 'Of sorts. I've never seen a more disorganized group in my life, Toma. I know everybody says We Are scarily close, But I Rather Have That INSTEAD of the fuzzy Those guys felt loyalty. That Time We Won, But it wasn't over. When we got back to Japan ... "takes Jumped i

No historical seat. 'The saltshakers Happened! You had Open a Door to a Different Dimension, Had not you? "

'How did you find out That? " Take

smirk. 'You're bad at Keeping Secrets. Plus, I Bought a new anti-gun werewolf. " June

hit the steering wheel. "Those guys ... The Older you get, the more you blabber."

'That Was the first time, wasn't it? "

'Yeah. Our second time saved They asses, I Must Admit. Never interrupt a vampire's honeymoon, Even if they're sparkling. " Take

laughed. I Had That mistake made eleven, only interrupted the vampires I Were Tortured French aristocrats. 'And this time? "

'We Were on a job. They Turned Out to Be Our PARTNErs. It all Went downhill Once We Arrived at the camp. That I'll never forget, Toma. Never. "

'Can I ask ...? "

'No. This is as far as I can tell you now. " ***



The house Looked Positively ancient and Slightly Disturbing. And when to the door Open and Takes found out who the owner WAS, I've realized That It Was a perfect match.

'matchy-san, "I Bowed.

Stood The three of them to be in the dark. Were all lights off and all windows closed Were. I Knew Were June matchy and whispering, But I Could catch all WAS
stuff like 'fish eyes'
and
'tentacles'
and

Innsmouth.

'Why did you bring him here? " somebody sneered.June

Shrugged And Then Turn the lights on. I Pointed at Toma. 'He's an idiot WHO WANTS the truth, i have to stop him. "

The Dude from KAT-TUN huffed. 'He's not a freak show. "

'I know. But I do not want to ... you know jack. " 'Go crazy? Of course, But what about him, Then? We can not just parade him around like Some cautionary tale? I Deserve Better Than That. " 'I know He Does! But ... Would not forgive myself if I ended up flying takes to Antarctica and caught up in this mess. I think I can Avoid That if I show him ... ' ' Fuck you. What's the problem if somebody else ...? He's a grown-up, I Can Make His own choices. "

'Look, Kame, ifCould you go back in time and Avoid What Happened, Would you, Would not you? "

'Well, yes but ... I do not want him to. He's not a freak show. "

spoke matchy, 'Just let him see Take, Kamenashi-kun. "

Kame - That Was him so, then - stomped out of the room and Then Turn Off the Lights in June again. Take

WAS getting more and more curious. 'Okay, There is going to be green vomit Involved? " I Asked, But The atmosphere WAS too heavy for light jokes. June

dragged him down the hallway and stopped in front of a mahogany door. 'Go in. "

'You're not coming? " June

shook His Head. 'I've seen enough. "

saw the moon takes one of enter-throughThen the windows and I saw Kame get out of the room with a tray on His Hands. The food takes Had not Been Touched and caught a glance of a figure hunched inside the room, closed the door But Kame quickly. I Looked

haunted. June Took His Hands off the tray. 'Go to sleep, Kame. "

'I do not want to. "

June I Did not look like much Slept Either Had, But Did not mention Take That.

'Look, I can not sleep Either But at least I try, "June said.

'But what if Something Happens? "

'There's nothing we CAN do about it. " Take

Stayed silent. I felt like an intruder. In FACT, I WAS very much.

Kame smile. 'But at least I can try. " CHT
MLXC And Then, Then it clicked. Innsmouth, New England. Very close to Dunwich. And very, very close to Arkham.

Miskatonic University, home to one of the Few copies of the Necronomicon

. Guys

barricaded in Their rooms. Guys Who Talk On and on about Being underwater. Tentacles.


Fish.
.

'Okay, I give up. I do not need to see, "Take said. June

let the tray fall and Hugged him. 'It's better this way,' he Whisperer.

'I'ma sensitive man, Jun. If this upsets you guys like this ... maybe it's better if I stay out of this. I can spin Some lie about the Eye of Argon to the guys at the University. " June
smile. 'Thanks for the trust, Toma. " Take
laughed. 'You Deserve It. "


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